Ridin' Dirty
"You don't know what the Finger Cup is? Well, there's this old bedpan that Mitch has with a big metal finger mounted on a spring. If you win the KOM you're going to have to drink a beer out of it."
The sun had just set behind the hills around White Salmon, WA and I was getting my introduction to the unusual traditions of the Dirty Sellwood, a road/gravel ride that's been going on for four years championed by Mitchell Buck of Dirty Fingers Bikes and Erik Tonkin of Sellwood Cycles. A few minutes earlier, I'd rolled into the event 'campsite' after following hand-lettered signs off the highway where I was greeted by Mitch, Dave (it was Dave's backyard that we were sleeping in), and a few other riders who had driven in Saturday night to get a few extra hours of sleep before the ride on Sunday.
"It's great, the finger keeps bonking you on the head the whole time you're drinking from it. Really great piece of work."
The burn ban brought on by a dry summer ruled out the possibility of a bonfire, so we sat in the dark drinking beer and listening to stories about previous years' rides ("Biblical rain! Secret thunderdome in the woods!"), with drifts of freezing fog punctuating the pauses. Eventually though, the cold settled in, the beer ran out, and I settled in to a sleeping bag in the back of my truck, alarm set for early Sunday morning.
With the morning came scores of riders from Portland, Hood River, White Salmon, and even Seattle. We milled around as coffee was administered, names were checked off, and preparations made. We'd be descending from a lofty 2400' all the way down to the Columbia River, climbing up forest service backroads to Trout Lake, making a pit stop in Glenwood Station for lunch, and winding our way back to Dave's place in Snowden via more gravel rollers.
A trumpet revelry assembled the troops. Mitch called out a few of the course hazards. Roughly fifty riders set out, bundled up for the 'neutral roll-out' that quickly turned into a frigid descent as we plunged through the fog at 30+ mph. Right off the bat, things got exciting with a dog the size of a large rodent charging into the pack amidst a particularly twisty piece of road. Swerving and cursing, we made it past without incident and continued on to the largest and most sustained climb of the day.
Grinding our way up the hill, I surprised myself by sticking with the lead group for the entire 20-mile climb. When I signed up for the Dirty Sellwood, I was picturing a long, moderate adventure ride. Instead, I found myself in a 5-man paceline averaging 20mph. Deciding to roll with it, Nathan, Jason, and I punched it for Glenwood Station.
At mile 73, lunch at Glenwood Station was a welcome break. We'd gotten soaked by a sudden shower riding through Trout Lake, and the sunshine felt great. After enjoying the burgers and company, eventually it was time to start riding again. With the KOM only a few miles out of Glenwood, our pace made it clear that there were some in the lineup intent on getting bonked by the finger cup this year.
I hit the wall on the last few hundred meters of the KOM sprint and settled in with a new group of riders. The last 30 miles of the course were some of the best, with rolling hills and forested gravel descents keeping us occupied to the very last aid point - a margarita stand complete with costumed luchadores at mile 99.
Rolling over the finish line at Dave's house after 110 miles of hard riding, it was tough to not want to immediately go pass out in my truck. Instead, I joined the bundled-up crowd for dinner, music, and "feats of strength" - which turned out to involve bike throwing, arm wrestling, and a biker-gang costume competition. The river of beer flowed, people talked, and the freezing fog (thankfully) took the night off.
The next morning, as riders slowly woke up and headed back to town, I walked up to Mitch to say thanks, for putting on the whole disco and everything. His response was immediate: "No man, thank you. You guys are why we do this thing every year. You're a true American."
The Dirty Sellwood is a road/gravel ride created by the great folks at Dirty Fingers Bicycle Repair in Hood River, Oregon, and Sellwood Cycle Repair in Portland, Oregon. Keep an eye out for details on next year's event at dirtysellwood.com.
